Email to prospective advisor: good or bad?

I'm an informal advisor to a non-tech startup that is putting together a formal board of advisors. Could I please have some feedback on a suggested approach to luring another advisor, who I think would be great?

The advisor is retired and was pretty prominent in the industry. I served on an industry committee that he chaired, and I've been to breakfast 1-on-1 with him, but that was about 6 years ago, and he might or probably might not remember me.

I mentioned him to the CEO of the startup, who asked that I reach out.

How about the email below, as my only way of connecting with him is through LinkedIn mail? Specifically, I assume that the advisory board members will get equity, but do I mention that?

Thanks.

"Dear John,

I had the privilege of serving on Committee X that you chaired in 200x-200x and think that you did a great job as CEO of Y. I'm currently an informal mentor to Company Z, which is in a similar line of business; it does ABC.

I am writing to ask if you would be willing to consider being an informal mentor or formal advisory board member for Company Z. The time commitment should be low; my involvement has consisted of a phone call or an email from time to time, and the CEO is very respectful of busy schedules. For me, my involvement has been a great way to stay involved in the industry, meet others and see emerging technology come to life.

If you would be interested, the CEO would be happy to be in touch by phone or email, as you prefer. Thank you very much for your consideration, and I hope that you are doing well."

"Dear John,

I had the privilege of serving on Committee X that you chaired in
200x-200x and think that you did a great job as CEO of Y. I'm
currently an informal mentor to Company Z, which is in a similar line
of business; it does ABC.

I am writing to ask if you would be willing to consider being an
informal mentor or formal advisory board member for Company Z. The
time commitment should be low; my involvement has consisted of a phone
call or an email from time to time, and the CEO is very respectful of
busy schedules. For me, my involvement has been a great way to stay
involved in the industry, meet others and see emerging technology come
to life.

If you would be interested, the CEO would be happy to be in touch by
phone or email, as you prefer. Thank you very much for your
consideration, and I hope that you are doing well."

If this guy is an industry-expert, then he is probably getting many requests just like yours from other businesses, etc.

Instead, why don't you first befriend the man?

Explain to him in your initial email that you and him had come into contact before about 6 years or so ago. Build your relationship up with him beyond the startup you are advising, because if this guy is an expert, he could be a great person to have in your own network.

The purpose of your connecting with him should be just purely for networking. Don't focus on doing it just to get him to advise some startup.

After you get to know him and use your networking skills, you can initially ask him what he thinks about "advisory work" in some informal discussion. He is retired, so he may possibly have no interest in getting into business-related stuff again.

If he does say that he might consider it, then just put it out there that if he'd be interested, you are advising a startup that is in an industry that he has major experience with, and that there exists incentives to be an advisor (like equity).

If he declines the offer, the startup may lose an advisor, but you will still have made a great connection.